


I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head (And I'm Not Sure I Want To- Just Try Not To Make A Mess Up There, Okay?)

by DontOffendTheBees



Series: The Brotzman Psychics Verse [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Meditation, Mental Health Issues, Post-Series, Psychic Abilities, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontOffendTheBees/pseuds/DontOffendTheBees
Summary: 'Dirk paused with his hand on the tap, glancing fretfully over his shoulder at Todd’s prone form on the floor. “Are they… are they getting any easier?”Silence. Todd didn’t open his eyes. After a few seconds, he bit his lip and shook his head minutely. Dirk’s heart sank.'In which Dirk decides he'll stop at nothing to find ways of helping Todd manage his illness, and comes up with a few rather unorthodox solutions- with rather unexpected side-effects.





	I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head (And I'm Not Sure I Want To- Just Try Not To Make A Mess Up There, Okay?)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look, what’s that- is it ol’ Keith with another procrastination one-shot? Why yes, I do believe so!
> 
> This has actually been in the works for a while, I’ve been adding bits and pieces every other day when I need a break from stuff and it’s finally come together. I’m not sure it’s everything it could be, but it’s got angst, fluff and vaguely-telepathic mind/soul bonds, so who the hell cares? Should be cute-ish.
> 
> Contains semi-detailed descriptions of pararibulitis attacks, so tread lightly if that stuff bothers you. Also one slightly peer-pressure-y bit with a cigarette, but it's played more for comedy. Otherwise, hope you enjoy! <3

“Where on _earth_ could they have gone?” said Dirk, raking his eyes across the wall for the fiftieth time to no avail. How he’d managed to lose such an _extraordinary_ number of Dalmatians was anyone’s guess.

“You really need a better way of organising this stuff,” said Todd, stood beside Dirk with his arms crossed and his gaze on the (actually very coherent, thank you very much) web of strings. “I don’t know how you find _anything_ in this mess.”

“Do you need me to explain the case again?”

“Please, _God_ , no.”

“Well then, stop complaining and help me find these Dalmatians! I’m sure they’re terrified!”

“Dirk, you know the dogs aren’t actually missing, right?” Todd pointed out, smirking. “You just lost track of the photo so now your crazy board doesn’t make sense.”

“All the _more_ reason to find them- I can hardly be expected to solve this case if my board doesn’t make sense, now can I?” Dirk tilted his head. Maybe he’d find the missing element if he looked at the whole problem from a different angle.

“Okay, well, where did you see them last?”

“Last… last time I saw them, they were with Mrs. Steiner.” He pointed at a photo in the top right.

“And then what happened?”

“And then… ah! And then there was the call to animal rescue, and the sighting by the Space Needle, and the suspicious cat, which would put the Dalmatians…”

“On your back.”

Dirk frowned. “’Scuse me?”

Todd rolled his eyes, reached out, and peeled a piece of sticky tape from the back of Dirk’s shirt. On the end, a small Polaroid of a crowd of spotty dogs. “You were leaning on the wall again, weren’t you?”

“Ah-” Dirk took the photo and popped it back in its rightful place- “excellent detective work, Todd. _Obviously,_ I was just testing you.”

“Oh really?” said Todd, eyebrows raised.

“Yes. And you passed! In record time, I might add.” He paused, and frowned when Todd didn’t come back at him with a witty rejoinder. “Todd?”

The little knowing smirk had gone from Todd’s face, replaced by wide eyes and unadulterated fear. He whimpered, staring at his still raised hand like it was a poisonous snake. Or something _equally_ deadly, and probably far more painful.

_Shit._

“Todd!” Dirk fumbled in his pocket for the bottle of pills he always kept on hand. “Todd, it’s alright, it’s just an attack, you’ll be fine!”

Todd’s whimpers turned to guttural cries as whatever invisible pain source he was seeing intensified, his knees buckled beneath him. He curled in on himself, hands held out before him as his entire body trembled and convulsed. Dirk recognised the reaction, could probably guess what Todd was seeing if he tried, but he didn’t have time to think about it. He’d found the pills. He popped a couple into his palm and crouched next to Todd, cradling his jaw and tilting his head back.

“It’s alright, Todd,” he said, barely audible, hand shaking as he eased Todd’s mouth open to place the pills on his tongue. “You’ll be alright, just try and- yes, yes, like that, good. It’s okay.”

Todd swallowed the pills with difficulty, throat hoarse from screaming and tight from the muscle convulsions. Dirk kept his head cradled in his lap, running fingers through his hair until the shakes subsided. It took far longer than he would have liked- a few seconds longer and he’d have been calling an ambulance. He’d had to do that before, the few times he’d seen Todd have a physical reaction violent enough to put himself at risk. It was horrible. _Every_ attack was horrible. Nothing he could do but hold Todd’s hand- head, hair, _whatever-_ as he fought off the monster lurking in his own genes, attacking his nerves, setting him on fire from the inside. A monster that Dirk was beginning to suspect might be _more_ than a clean-cut mental or neurological disorder.

He saw a small drip of moisture land on Todd’s already perspiring forehead. Shit. He wasn’t supposed to cry. He was supposed to be solid and strong and dependable while Todd pulled himself back together. He reached up and scrubbed his eyes furiously, erasing the evidence.

“Dirk?”

His voice was a dry rasp. Water, he needed water. “Todd,” said Dirk, trying to keep his voice level. He carefully set Todd back down on the floor while he got up and went to the sink. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Todd bit out, rolling onto his back with an exhausted sigh. “Electrical burns.”

“You get a lot of those.”

Todd barked out a humourless laugh. “You think my nerve disease has a type?”

Dirk’s answering laugh was even hollower. “Well. Stranger things have happened.”

“And doesn’t that just say something about our lives,” Todd sighed, eyes drifting closed. He made no effort to stand up just yet.

Dirk paused with his hand on the tap, glancing fretfully over his shoulder at Todd’s prone form on the floor. “Are they… are they getting _any_ easier?”

Silence. Todd didn’t open his eyes. After a few seconds, he bit his lip and shook his head minutely. Dirk’s heart sank.

Sighing, he filled the glass with water and wandered back over, pressing it carefully into Todd’s hand and helping him sit upright to drink it. Todd gave him a grateful smile, leaning into his body a little as he sipped, and Dirk couldn’t help but feel the look was unwarranted. Really, what was he doing for Todd? What anyone else would do, surely? Calling ambulances, bringing him water and meds. Important things, sure, but they were temporary fixes that didn’t make a blind bit of difference in the long run. He could bring Todd his pills today but they’d still be in this exact same situation tomorrow, and the attacks weren’t getting any easier. For either of them. He had to do… _something._ Something that would actually make a substantial difference, because right now it felt like Todd was fighting a losing battle and Dirk was stuck watching from the trenches. But how did you fight an invisible, intangible enemy?

He’d only seen it done once before. By four people he’d really rather not appeal to for help.

“Well,” said Todd, smiling bravely as he stood and returned to the board. Dirk didn’t miss the way he crossed his arms and clutched his biceps to stop the trembling in his hands. “This case isn’t gonna solve itself, right?”

 _Oh,_ who was Dirk kidding? He’d crawl on his hands and knees in front of the assembled hordes of Genghis Khan if there was even a snowball’s chance in hell of making Todd better. He sighed, pulling out his phone and firing off a text.

_Ice cream 2moro?????? Need help!! <3 xOxXX_

Fortunately, she didn’t keep him waiting for a reply.

_Dude again?? Fine but ur buying_

_Brill! Place round corner @2?? PLZ DON’T BRING THEM_

_Kay- and I won’t_

_Thx! Love u <3 <3 <3_

_Nerd_

_…love u 2, tho_

He smiled, slipping his phone back into his pocket. Todd glanced at him curiously, but Dirk kept his mouth shut. Todd would only tell him to leave it if he revealed his plans. Well, not that they were _plans,_ exactly. More of a hunch.

But what kind of holistic detective would he be if he didn’t follow his hunches?

* * *

“You want to _what?”_ Amanda gaped at him over her hot fudge sundae, eyes comically wide.

“I just… need to s _peak_ to them,” said Dirk, nervously tapping his fingers on the table. “Preferably without the yelling and smashing, and I know they listen to you so maybe you could just-”

“Dirk,” she said, putting down her spoon with a sigh. “Look, I get it, you wanna help my brother- but I know how much the Rowdies freak you out, you don’t have to do this.”

“He’d do the same for me!”

She cocked her head. “ _Would_ he?”

“Yes,” he said, without hesitation. “I mean, I’m sure he’d complain the entire time, but he’d do it. I’m sure of it. And even if he wouldn’t, _I_ would, so, that’s that.”

“Dirk, I’m not saying _no_ \- if you’re like, _really_ sure you wanna do this, I’ll talk to the guys today, no problem. But I’m sure Todd’s surviving just fine- _I_ did, so, y’know, he can probably deal. I don’t think it’s worth you going to all this effort just to-“

“Yes it is!” Dirk insisted, aware that he was probably starting to sound a little manic. But if there was even a _glimmer_ of a shadow of a chance that he could start to help Todd adjust to his illness, he was going to cling onto it for dear life. “I know he’s made mistakes, and I understand why you don’t want anything more to do with him, but he’s my friend and I’ll do whatever it takes to make him better. He deserves _that_ from me, at least. He deserves just about _everything_ I could ever give him, but this is the best I can think of just now, so…”

He was starting to think he’d done that thing of letting his mouth run off without him again. He snapped it shut.

Amanda had a look on her face like she’d just solved a very big and confusing puzzle. It took Dirk a moment to realize that _he_ was the puzzle, which left him… well, _puzzled._ She leaned back, crossing her arms and eyeing him thoughtfully. “Okay. I’ll talk to the boys.”

He exhaled in relief. “Thank you.”

“I’m _not_ promising they’ll be able to help,” she said, shrugging and returning to her ice cream. “But they’ll talk to you. And don’t worry- your emotions are _off_ the menu, period.”

“Much appreciated.”

She looked at him over her spoon, and smirked. “I’ll tell you something,” she said. “My piece-of-shit brother’s lucky to have you.”

* * *

“Dirk, maybe you should just pick this up tomorrow,” Todd suggested as he shrugged on his jacket. “You look like you’re gonna collapse.”

“I’m close Todd, I can feel it,” Dirk argued, twirling his chair. “Just a couple more hours. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

Todd eyed the short couch in the break room doubtfully. “…O-kay. Just, don’t do anything stupid, alright?”

“Well, that’s really up to the universe. But yes, I’ll stay safe. Probably. Are you alright getting home?”

“ _Yes,_ geez,” Todd grumbled, already on his way to the door. “You don’t need to go all mother-hen every time I have an attack, y’know. I’ll be fine, it’s ten minutes away.”

“Yes, well,” said Dirk, unhappy with the situation. But he had plans of his own to stick to tonight. “Drive safe.”

Todd snorted. “Like you can talk.”

“…Alright, point taken. Goodnight, Todd.”

Todd paused in the doorway, looking back at Dirk with a soft expression that he was _definitely_ too tired to read right. “Yeah. Night, Dirk. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“That doesn’t narrow it down.”

He saw Todd shaking his head as he ducked out.

Dirk sighed, flopping back in his chair. Truth be told, he knew he wasn’t going to stumble across a break in the case tonight. But he couldn’t go home yet- he had company coming.

Their arrival was signalled twenty minutes later by the familiar ominous rumble of an engine. Dirk gulped, stepping over to the window and peering through the blinds. The van looked as hideous and ramshackle as ever, wobbling about on its wheels as its occupants jostled it from the inside. Well, he certainly didn’t want to let them get impatient. He didn’t fancy his poor office’s chances if they did.

He left the office and descended the stairs to the street, pausing at the threshold before stepping out into the bracing night air. He tried to keep his back straight and his chin up as he crossed the road to the van, clenching his hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

The van door opened before he got there, and the Rowdies emerged one by one. He couldn’t help but notice they were keeping the screaming and jeering to a dull roar- under orders from Amanda, most likely. The one Dirk had always assumed to be the leader swaggered up to him, oozing panther-like grace and power. Dirk was relieved to find he wasn’t holding any kind of blunt instrument today.

“H-hello,” said Dirk, voice wavering. _Darn it_ , he’d been trying to avoid that. Well, best just forge on. He stuck out his hand stiffly. “I d-don’t think we’ve, ah, _formally_ met. Dirk Gently.”

Leader looked him up and down. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a cigarette, popping it between his lips. “I’m Martin,” he drawled, jerking his head to each of the other Rowdies in turn. “Gripps, Vogel, Cross.”

“I’m Cross,” the tall guy with the face-tattoo repeated needlessly. The smallest one- Vogel?- laughed and batted his arm, calling him ‘doofus’ in a bubbly voice. The other one, Gripps, was watching Dirk and Martin with curiosity. And a brick in his hands. Worrying.

“Drummer Girl says you gotta question,” said Martin, lighting the cigarette. “’Bout those, uh, _funky_ critters scratchin’ about in big brother’s brain.”

“Yes-” Dirk nodded, wringing his hands- “yes, I was wondering… well, you seem to be pretty good at helping Amanda with her attacks by now, and I was wondering if-?”

“If we’d show ya how to help Snack Size with his?”

“Y-yes.”

Martin watched him like a hawk, exhaling a smoke ring right into his face. Dirk tried not to cough too obviously. “S’not somethin’ you can teach,” said Martin, expression stony. “Wouldn’t want to, anyhow- your boy hurt lil sis’ feelings real bad. Got what was coming to ‘im, _right boys?”_

The others crowed their agreement. Vogel practically dangled off the other two as he kicked his legs in the air, Cross and Gripps shared manic grins and woops- and a very brick-y high-five that didn’t look like it would be comfortable for anyone involved.

“W-well, if you won’t teach me,” Dirk stammered, fighting the urge to scarper from the increasing noise. “Just- confirm a hunch?”

Martin looked at him with curiosity, inclining his head for him to continue.

Dirk took a deep breath, dropping his hands to his sides and trying like hell to keep them there. “The disease. You’ve been feeding off it for a while. It’s… not just an ordinary disease, is it?”

Martin cocked his head, considering. He took the cigarette from his mouth. “No.”

“They’re…” Dirk gulped. “They’re like us, aren’t they? Todd and Amanda. They’ve got… something.”

“Powerful sorta somethin’,” Martin agreed.

“And yummy!” Vogel contributed, grinning maniacally.

“Tastes like… like fire and lightning,” said Gripps, eyes glazing over a little dreamily. “…And strawberries.”

Dirk could feel Martin’s gaze on him- calm, curious, calculating.

He offered Dirk the cigarette.

“Oh, I don’t...” Martin gave him a look. He gulped. “Never mind. Thank you.”

Dirk took the cigarette, holding it to his lips and taking a tentative, inexperienced drag. It burned in his throat and set him off on a small coughing fit, which he tried to downplay as much as possible. He handed the cigarette back with a wheeze that he hoped sounded like ‘thank you’. Martin took it back, and maybe Dirk couldn’t see properly through the smoke in his eyes but he looked… a _little_ less hostile than before.

“Ain’t no disease,” Martin reiterated, putting the cigarette back in his own mouth. “And I can’t teach you how to suck it out, neither- you and I ain’t cut from the same cloth. You don’t got what we do, but you got somethin’. And so does he- got somethin’ that makes him _see_ things-“ he tapped his forehead with his finger- “that can’t be seen.”

And with that same finger, he reached over and prodded Dirk firmly between the eyes. Dirk froze, too terrified to even _think_ of moving a muscle. But Martin didn’t push, or pull away, just kept the point of contact, meeting Dirk’s frightened gaze resolutely.

“You really wanna help Snack Size, you’ll learn to see ‘em, too.”

And then the finger was gone, and so was Martin, striding away back towards the van, the others following close behind. Dirk stared mutely after them right up until they were back inside, door sliding close, engine revving.

Martin, back in the driver’s seat, looked back at him. He raised two fingers to his forehead and brought them down in a jaunty salute, which was… nice.

He ruined it by then sticking those same two fingers up in a slightly ruder gesture.

Oh, well. It was progress.

They drove off in a ruckus, Dirk wincing at the roar of the engine and the cloud of black smoke. Hopefully no one sent the agency any noise complaints. Then again, no one had complained during that opera singer debacle.

He sighed, rubbing the warmth back into his arms as he loitered uncertainly in the street. Well, that wasn’t as helpful as he’d hoped. But it was nice to have his suspicions confirmed, even if he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with the information.

Todd’s attacks weren’t just the product of a disorder. They were the product of the kind of energy that kept the Rowdies sustained- the kind of energy that Dirk had been trying and failing to control in himself all his life. Is was imperative, now more than ever, that Dirk find some way to help. Before Todd had an attack so bad he didn’t come back from it. Before, God forbid, someone like Riggins found out.

Only problem was, he still hadn’t the foggiest idea where to start.

_“You really wanna help Snack Size, you’ll learn to see ‘em, too.”_

…Well. It was an idea.

He had some research to do.

* * *

“Sorry, you want us to _what_ together?” asked Todd, incredulous.

“Meditate,” Dirk repeated, grinning enthusiastically. “It’ll be good for both of us! I need to learn to calm my mind now and then, and so do you- I think it could be _immensely_ helpful with your condition! We can take an hour a day, in the morning before we get started on our cases- I think it’ll do a _world_ of good.”

“Where’s this coming from?” said Todd, sounding distinctly sceptical. “Since when are you into, like, new-age-y stuff?”

“It’s hardly _new age,_ Todd, I’m sure people on much wiser continents have been meditating for centuries. And I’m not _into_ it, exactly, I just… think perhaps we ought to step outside our comfort zone. Try and find new ways make our lives as pleasant as possible.”

“Dirk,” said Todd, frowning. “If this is about the attacks, I’ve told you, I’m fi-“

“It’s not just about the attacks,” Dirk lied- hopefully convincingly. “It’s just as much for my benefit as yours, I swear. I think it would help me… slow down. A little. But I don’t want to do it alone.” He gazed imploringly at Todd, hands tapping anxiously on the table between them. “Please?”

Honestly, Dirk had no idea it would work, but he had to start _somewhere._ The Rowdies had the right idea- he’d surely be better prepared to help Todd if he could see what he was experiencing. But how to get to that stage was another question entirely. And he didn’t know anyone who might be able to help him with matters of the mind in such a way.

So, naturally, he had turned to Google.

Of course, most of what he got when he typed ‘how to make yourself more psychic (not that I am psychic I’m asking for a friend)’ was absolutely useless. But there were plenty of recommendations for other forms of mind and brain enhancement through natural means, and mindfulness meditation frequently turned up at the top of the list. It was worth a try, surely?

“…Just. An hour a day, right?” Todd clarified, sounding willing but cynical.

“No more, no less. Promise.”

Todd sighed. “Fine. But I swear to God if you burn our office down with scented candles-!”

* * *

After some token grumbling and initial self-conscious stiffness, Todd took to the exercise like a fish to water. Maybe he was actually more eager to get in touch with himself than he’d let on- maybe he was just happy to be able to sit in silence for an hour and be _assured_ of Dirk doing the same. He often joked that he’d give his left arm for a bit of bloody peace and quiet, after all.

Dirk, however, struggled the first few sessions. It was challenging to him for a multitude of reasons- first off, he was expected to _sit still_ for an extended period of time. Sometimes he’d catch Todd cracking one eye open and smirking when he saw Dirk’s hands jittering on his knees- and he only caught sight of such things because he kept impatiently opening his own eyes.

Not moving was tricky enough in itself. Not _thinking…_ that was problematic in the extreme.

He _tried_ , he definitely tried. He’d rather _like_ to take a little break from the thinking, to be honest- the problem with being so intimately attuned to the web of interconnectedness all around was it got very tiring _very_ fast. All the signs and signals, the pulleys and strings, cloying and clamouring for attention at every waking moment. It was more than enough to make a man want to retire to a shack in the mountains of Tibet and herd sheep for the rest of his life! Although that lifestyle really _hadn’t_ been as calming as he’d imagined the last time he tried it. Possibly due to the fiasco with the local monks, one of whom had been far more _electric_ than one would have expected.

 _Gah,_ there he went again! Every time he refocused in on his own breathing, like the instructions said to do when you got caught up in a train of thought, he found himself drifting out again within seconds. It was incredibly frustrating- he was supposed to be building an awareness of _himself,_ his body and senses and feelings in the present moment, and yet all he seemed to be doing was growing _more_ aware of absolutely everything else.

It occurred to him after about a week of frustratingly unhelpful daily meditations that maybe, like the search for the missing Dalmatians, he needed to approach his process from a different angle.

He’d just opened his eyes for about the eighth time in as many minutes, about ready to get up and storm off in frustration, when he let his gaze turn to Todd. Todd who, after a slightly rocky start, had grown accustomed to fully embracing the moment. Dirk had never seen him so peaceful- sitting upright but relaxed, palms loosely settled on his knees, eyelids barely fluttering and breathing deep and even. It was actually rather hypnotising, to see him so calm and open. Dirk felt drawn to him, as he always did- although it was somewhat enhanced in this quiet little corner of the dawn.

Dirk decided to try something new.

This time when he let his eyes drift closed and focused on his breathing, he didn’t attempt to cut every last string tying himself to the world. He cut away the surplus, the things that didn’t belong in this very moment- their current case, their other friends, all that interesting trivia he’d learned about penguins the other night- and focused on what was present. Where his body touched the ground, the soft music that drifted from the iPod dock, his own breathing, just like he was supposed to.

But this time, he also focused on Todd.

It _made sense_ , after all- he’d started this endeavour with the intention of learning to connect with Todd during his attacks (of which there’d been remarkably few lately- maybe the meditation really _was_ helping). And the more he allowed himself _one_ tangible connection to the outside, the easier he found it to let the others slip away.

It was _amazing_ how much it helped. Within one session of taking this approach could feel his extraneous awareness shrink to the smallest bubble, and his personal awareness extend to include Todd. He could feel his presence like an extension of his own, feel his breathing adjust to match Todd’s. Sometimes he found it easier, when his mind went off on a tangent and he had to reel it back in, to draw it back to the sound and feel of Todd’s breathing rather than his own.

After that first revelatory morning, he actually found himself rather looking forward to their sessions. For an hour every day he could shut his eyes, shut out the universe (more or less), and just focus on the one connection that really mattered. It was nice. Feeling close to someone.

Especially when that someone was Todd.

* * *

“Todd?” said Dirk, noticing he’d been awfully quiet for quite some time.

“Hm?” Todd mumbled, barely looking up from his laptop.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just…” Todd sighed, putting the screen down and rubbing his forehead. “Long day. And I’m getting a headache from all this CCTV footage- what are-?”

“Paracetamol,” said Dirk, brandishing the little foil packet at Todd again. “For your headache.”

Todd frowned, but accepted the packet gratefully. “Since when do you carry paracetamol around?”

“Thought I might need it today.” He shrugged and turned back to the wall, avoiding Todd’s eyes.

More accurately, he’d thought that _Todd_ might need it today. It was the strangest thing, but ever since he’d restructured his mediation around Todd it was as if he was always in the corner of Dirk’s awareness. He was getting more ‘hunches’ than ever before- and many of them appeared to be Todd-centric. He kept picking up things before leaving for work in the morning- like packets of crisps or extra jumpers and scarves- for no apparent reason, only to find when he got to work that Todd had skipped breakfast or forgotten his hat.

Once he picked up an entire change of clothes for no reason other than it felt like the right thing to do, and had found Todd waiting in their office attempting to warm his shivering form near the tiny radiator because a lorry had driven through a deep puddle at breakneck speed and soaked him through. That had been a little spooky- but he got to see Todd wearing his clothes, which was a strangely endearing sight for some reason, so he wasn’t complaining.

He was also getting an awful lot better at reading Todd’s mood- gone were the days of having to _ask_ if Todd was upset with him. If he was, Dirk bloody well knew about it, and not just because Todd was learning to be a little less of an emotionally-repressed grouch. It was like he could _sense_ a change in the air around him, so it became much easier to prepare himself accordingly for Todd’s foul moods or depressive bouts. He often found he’d come to work with a little more chocolate than usual on those days, as if he’d just _known._

It was strange, but useful. And also quite pleasant. He’d always felt a connection to Todd in much the same way he felt the connections between all things, but now it was like the invisible thread between them had strengthened, tightened to the point of being an almost tangible presence. It was truly hard for Dirk to feel alone anymore- as long as he was within walking distance of Todd he could almost _feel_ him in the back of his mind. It wasn’t telepathy or anything so useful, he couldn’t hear his voice or feel his feelings. It was more like Todd had pocket-dialled him and he was listening to the indistinct shuffling through an earpiece. Odd, but comforting.

He wondered if Todd was noticing any similar changes. Did his as-yet-undefined psychic ability enable him to such connections? Dirk hadn’t actually _mentioned_ his suspicions about the true root of the disease to Todd yet- he didn’t want to give him any more to worry about, especially when he had no real answers to give.

No, he needed to see the proof first-hand. Needed to prove to himself that he could help, could _see._

The phrase ‘be careful what you wish for’ would soon spring to mind.

He could feel the attack coming on before it happened. He heard Todd go silent, and before he even turned around to see the consternation on his face he felt the ominous crackle in the air of something he’d never been quite open enough to catch before. But he could feel it now, and it was simultaneously the most triumphant and the most terrifying moment of his life.

He whipped around to face Todd, and felt all the air rush from his lungs in one terrified exhale.

Todd was burning.

“Todd!” he cried out. It looked and felt _impossibly_ real, and it was crawling up Todd’s arms and making him whimper and gasp in pain and _oh God_ Dirk could smell the smoke and burning flesh from here he had to _do_ something!

So he went for the fire extinguisher.

It was _absurd_ , thinking back on it. But the danger didn’t even register in his mind as a hallucination- it looked and felt intimately, _painfully_ real. No wonder Todd was screaming- Dirk felt like screaming, and _he_ wasn't even the one on fire! But he leaned into his instincts and let out a scream anyway as he doused Todd and half the office in chilly foam.

But to his shock, confusion and _dizzying_ relief, it actually seemed to work.

The flames were gone, the pained screams had ceased, and all that remained was a very cold and confused Todd sat numbly at the foamy remains of his desk.

Todd stared. Dirk stared. Both gasped for breath, Dirk's hands clenching on the empty canister.

"What..." Todd finally said, eyes bugging. "The _fuck._ Was that?"

Despite his state of shock, Dirk managed a sarcastic huff. "Well, how’s _that_ for gratitude."

"Grati-?! _Dirk,"_ Todd all but yelled, gesturing wildly to his soggy desk. "My pills were _right there!_ Since when is drenching me in fucking _foam_ your default response?!"

"I panicked! You were screaming and _on fire_ and I just, I don't know-!"

"Wait, wait- how did you even know it was fire?"

"Well, I saw it."

"You-" Todd blinked, shaking his head- "you _saw_ it?"

Oh. Right. "Ah. Yes, right, I can see why that may sound a little confusing-"

_"A little-?!"_

"I had a _feeling,_ " Dirk forged on. "That your attacks were more than attacks, so I asked the Rowdies and they confirmed it- rather rudely, actually. It's psychic- the disease, it's _not_ a nerve or brain disorder at all, it's all psychic! I don't know why it hurts you but if it's energy, that means you're kind of like me- and I thought hey, if you're like me, then I can help! So I asked around, got some _very_ unhelpful suggestions from the internet, and I started our meditation sessions hoping to strengthen my own perception of you. And it worked! Surprisingly well, actually, I think it's quite possible I'm more connected to your head than my own by now, but that's really neither here nor there."

"I'm- you're- wait," Todd had a look on his face like that headache was making a comeback. Oh, God, hopefully it wasn't another attack- they were all out of fire extinguishers! "So you're telling me I'm _psychic_ now?"

"Well, you're... something."

"And you can, what, read my mind?"

"No! No, I can just sort of... feel it. Ish."

"How long's this been going on?"

"Oh, about... a month?"

"And were you ever planning on _telling_ me?!"

Dirk winced. "Ah. Um, yes. Eventually."

"When?"

"When I... knew for certain that I was right? Which I do now! Hence me telling."

"I can't believe- _Jesus_ , Dirk, you're _in my head,"_ Todd shouted, jabbing his temple pointedly. "You've known this - this _thing_ about me for _weeks,_ and you didn't even think to mention- no. No, sorry, I- I can't. With this, right now. I just..." He shook his head and gathered up his jacket, not seeming to care that it was about as soaked as the rest of him. "I need to go... somewhere. _Don't-"_ he silenced Dirk before his mouth fully opened- "don't... just, just. Don't."

"Todd, please-"

But he was already out the door.

“Todd!” Dirk bolted after him, not bothering with his own jacket. “”To- _oof!”_

“Dirk!” Farah spluttered, rubbing her shoulder where he’d smacked straight into it. “Dirk, what the hell? I just saw Todd, he looked like he was about to, like, _cry_ or something. What just happened?”

“I-I’ll tell you later, I have to-!” He made another attempt to dart past her.

She stopped him with a firm yet considerate hand on his shoulder. “Dirk,” she said, meeting his gaze. “I don’t know _what_ the hell’s going on here, but… I don’t think he wants to see you right now. I think maybe you should just… step back and let him cool off a while. Okay?”

Dirk’s heart sank. He curled his fists at his sides and nodded tightly. He could feel Todd’s presence in his mind fade from focus as the distance between them grew, could feel the heavy gaze of Farah and the universe willing him to stay in place. Despite all that, he itched to go after him.

“So,” Farah said, forcing a smile. “How ‘bout I make us some tea and you tell me what the fuck’s going? ‘Kay?”

He sighed, rubbing his temples. “That’s… a rather long story.”

“Coffee long or straight vodka long?”

“Possibly both.”

“I’m on it.”

* * *

He heeded Farah's advice and didn't go after Todd straight away. But after two hours had passed and he'd failed to reappear, his worry got the better of him. And Farah seemed to agree, once she had the full story under her belt- Todd probably wasn’t better off alone, not so soon after an attack. They split up to look for him, although Dirk highly doubted Farah would find him first. Not when he had his handy dandy new Todd-sense to call upon.

He found him in under half an hour.

Todd barely looked up as he approached, eyes on the water, feet dangling off the pier. Why he'd chosen _here_ to sulk was anyone's guess- Dirk certainly didn't like to consider this place much, not after he and Todd had broken each other’s hearts so thoroughly the first time. He hoped history wasn't doomed to repeat itself. "How'd you find me?" asked Todd, voice a touch raspy- he probably hadn’t had anything to drink since his attack.

"I _am_ a detective, you know," Dirk sat down gingerly beside him, dangling his own feet over the water. "I compiled list of possible locations based on emotional significance, cross-referenced by distance and-"

_"Dirk."_

"...I felt you," Dirk admitted, tapping his forehead lightly.

"Right. 'Cause you can do that now." Todd sounded as tired as Dirk felt.

Dirk shrugged. "Comes in handy."

Todd leaned his elbows on his knees, sighing. "It's... a lot. To take in."

"Yes, I..." Dirk wrung his hands guiltily. "I suppose I could have picked a better time to tell you."

"Please," Todd snorted. "When’s it _ever_ a good time with us?"

"Fair point. Still I probably could have handled it better," he risked a glance at Todd. He was just staring straight ahead. "Are you... Okay?"

Todd didn't say anything for a few long moments, just stared silently out across the water. Dirk didn't realise he'd been holding his breath until he let it all out on Todd's tentative nod. "Yeah. I'm okay. I guess. Just have a lot to think about."

He turned his gaze to Dirk finally. "How did you know about...? The disease, how did you know it was... whatever the fuck it is?"

"Well. The Rowdies certainly seem to like it," Dirk said, swinging his feet. "Feed off it, like they did with me. I'd never even _heard_ of the disease before I met you, never read anything about it... But honestly, mostly it was a hunch."

"Does it, like, _mean_ anything?" Todd looked lost. "Will it change anything?"

Dirk shook his head sadly. "I don't know."

"Seems about right," Todd sighed. "Guess I'll just... Figure it out as I go along."

"Works for me."

Todd snorted. He watched Dirk thoughtfully. "How did you know the meditation would work?"

"I didn't."

"Wha- but you _hate_ meditating.”

“Well, _hate_ might be putting it a little _-“_

"Come on, don’t try and deny it- I can _hear_ you fidgeting, every time. Why would you even subject yourself to that every morning if you didn't _know_ it was gonna do something?"

Dirk shrugged. "Well. I _hoped_. Anyway, I'd do much more than sit on itchy carpets if I thought it'd make your life easier."

Todd eyed him searchingly for a moment. "You really... You really did all of this for me?"

Dirk frowned. "Well, why else would I do it?"

"I don't know, I just thought... I dunno, maybe it was some kind of test or something," he smirked, but there was insecurity in his eyes. "Sure you didn't just want to get in my head?"

"Todd, I swear, I had _no_ idea that would happen," Dirk hastily assured him. "I never expected to become as... _attuned_ to you as I did. I might be able to tone it back if you-"

"No, no, it's fine," said Todd. "I mean, it’s pretty weird, but it’s not like you can hear my thoughts. Right?"

"No, not at all, it's more sort of... an _impression_ of you."

"D'you... Do you think _I_ could learn to do that?"

Dirk blinked, taken aback. "I... I'm not sure. Possibly. I mean, we can certainly try. Is that… something you would _want?_

Todd hesitated. "…No, you know what, Dirk, you don't have to keep- I mean, you've done so much already. You don't have to keep helping me."

Dirk gaped at him. "Wha-? Todd, of course I'm going to keep helping, don't be ridiculous."

"But you've-"

"Barely scratched the surface!" Dirk finished for him. "Todd, we may have figured out the root of your 'illness' now but it hasn't stopped affecting your life. We need to keep digging- look for ways to make your attacks easier, _maybe_ even stop them altogether! I'm sure we're in with a chance, now we have some idea what we're dealing with!"

Todd stared at him, eyes wide, and a very slow, small smile began to tease at his lips. "You're not kidding, are you? You're really gonna try and help me figure how this... _thing_ works."

"Of course- and I'd say we're off to a good start, if today's attack was any indication! I wanted to be able to help and, well, now I can! I-I'm not sure _how_ I helped earlier exactly, but I'm not complaining. Maybe treating your hallucinations like the real thing is the key? Maybe we can _trick_ your brain out of the illusion! Should be much easier now I can see what I'm working with - _mmph!"_

He actually had a lot more to say, but that was rather difficult with Todd's mouth on his.

Which actually seemed like the _opposite_ of a problem, now he thought about it.

For a minute or so they stayed that way, Todd’s lips moving and Dirk attempting to keep up. He thought he did a pretty fantastic job, actually. But then Todd pulled back, fists clenched in the front of Dirk’s shirt, eyelids fluttering. His cheeks were rosy pink as he met Dirk’s eyes. “Was that, uh… was that okay?”

 _Fuck_ yes. “Yeah, yeah,” said Dirk, aiming for nonchalant and most likely missing. “That was… very nice. If unexpected.”

“Good,” Todd mumbled, hands dropping to rest uncertainly on Dirk’s waist. “’Cause I, uh… I’ve kinda been wanting to do that for while.”

Dirk frowned, even though his heart was leaping in his chest. “Well… why didn’t you say so before?”

Todd shrugged. “I dunno. I guess I thought… you wouldn’t be into it?”

“Well, you could’ve asked!”

“I know, I- I dunno, I freaked out! I didn’t wanna make it weird,” he looked anxious. “A-and hey, it’s not like you’ve tried to kiss me at any point, so…”

“I-” Dirk wrinkled his forehead- “I… never considered it as an option.” He saw Todd’s hurt expression, and rushed to clarify. “Not that I don’t want to! I definitely want to _now,_ I just… didn’t _know_ I wanted to _then_ because I had no idea it was even on the table!” And now it was on the table he could _not._ Stop. Thinking about it. Had he _really_ never realised how nice Todd’s lips were before? He must have skimmed over the fact because there was nothing he could do about it. It was certainly staring him in the face now. He should probably look back at Todd’s eyes. Yes. Any moment now, that’s _exactly_ what he would do.

Any moment now.

Todd’s lips turned up in a little bemused smile. “You… seriously? No idea?”

He tore his gaze (with a great deal of effort) from Todd’s lips to meet his eyes. “No. Should I have?”

Todd shrugged. “Well… Farah always hassles me, says I’m completely fucking transparent. So does Amanda, apparently- not that she says anything to me _directly_ anymore, but I get some stuff relayed. I thought maybe you might have picked up on… something.”

Dirk could feel heat rising to his face. It was half embarrassment, half fond delight, and he honestly hadn’t the faintest idea what to do with it. “Oh.”

Silence fell between them again. It was a lot less uncomfortable this time, though, and Dirk was grateful for the moment of quiet to process all this new and _very_ important information. But then he felt Todd’s fingers twitch against his sides, reminding him abruptly that they were, in fact, still half-embracing. Todd looked like he’d only just remembered himself, and he blushed a little- but he didn’t let go, and Dirk didn’t want him to.

“So…” Todd said quietly, turning his head to look out across the water once more. The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon, bathing the gently rippling surface in rich orange. “What do we do now?”

 _About the attacks? About us? About this strange new mental connection business? No bloody idea._ “We could-“ Dirk shrugged- “kiss again?”

Todd nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good call.”

Dirk grinned, reaching up to cup Todd’s smiling face in his hands and tilt their lips together.

It was a little clumsy, a little eager- a big old mess at first, in all honesty. But they adjusted, slowly learning each other in the ember glow of the sunset, until there was no room in either of them for uncertainty. The connection between them thrummed, as gentle and musical as one of Todd’s guitar strings, as steady and vital as their heartbeats. Todd’s body was blissfully warm under his hands- and Dirk’s mind was blissfully quiet.

Now _this_ was a kind of meditation he could get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> There we have it! I did have a little epilogue in mind for this, but I think I’ll save that for another time.
> 
> Probably my last mini-fic for a while, as I have a deadline this Thursday and then I REALLY need to knuckle down for the Big Bang. But hopefully I may still find time for the odd drabble here and there!
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


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